Letting go

The part of human experience we seldom talk about is forgiveness. It forms the basis of a lot of religious thought, but in our daily life - how often do we think about forgiveness as a virtue? If we did, would we be as divisive and absolute as we appear to be?

 

Borrowing from psychology's five stages of grief following a loss, I have derived my interpretation of the three stages of a loss. For clarity, this loss may not be as absolute as losing someone to death but more of an emotional separation.

 

The three stages of this process, as I perceive it, are Hatred, followed by Indifference, and Forgiveness.

Unlike the five stages of grief, one may not always go through all these stages in one lifetime - in part due to our tendency to hold on to things, even (or especially) unhappy memories. This prevents us from experiencing the emotion fully, and may not allow us to transition between all of these states.

 

The first, seemingly benign stage seems similar to the initial stages of grief, where we hold on- to pictures, experiences, and memories of a time that was simpler - either when that person or situation didn't exist, or in the fleeting moments that they provided some happiness. The feeling of hatred makes us feel empowered - it makes us feel as if we hold power over that person, that moment, that emotion because we now stand over it and choose to hate it. All this, when in reality, we are letting it dominate a significant part of our attention. We hold on to those memories in the fear that if we let go, we may open the door back for another loss. In doing so, we forget that sometimes we need to shed the excess baggage to make space for some more. In the words of Bruce Lee, we need to have an empty cup. The root of this hatred stems from judgment - the thought that I was better before; a better person, a better mentor, a better partner, a better son, a better relative, or any adjective or label that suits our ego.

 

The second stage is the peak of this experience, - Indifference. While it may seem like a vital stage, originally being borne out of hatred, progressing into this stage generally bodes well for a person to transition to Forgiveness. Indifference begins as we start emptying our cup  -  as we start realizing that our judgment bears no importance except for the stoking of our own ego. It need not stem from a denial of the situation - what happened and our perception of the situation still remains, but being indifferent entails choosing to be detached from judgment, and from hatred. Indifference can be a great transition point, but only if we decide to make it a part of the journey - not the goal.

 

In many ways, being stuck in this stage may be worse than hatred. Benign as it may seem, indifference can be likened to inertia - it keeps us where we are; it makes us comfortably numb. Indifference, over time, may devolve into apathy, and rob us of the human experience to feel things - not just for ourselves but for each other. While it may be easy to compare this stage with Nirvana - where you become one with God and "things" stop mattering - it is the polar opposite. Extreme indifference or apathy is almost a choice - one where we deny our feelings, and shut things out so they may not hurt us. It bears repeating, but in many ways, this may be worse than hatred. The only silver lining is that it is a transition point to the next stage.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know of a clear transition that defines this. More so, because like everyone else, the transition to forgiveness seems more complex than I feel it should be. Indifference and hatred feed the ego, and forgiveness seems like giving power back to the person, situation, or moment in time when you were "wronged". The switch happens with the realization that people or situations were a function of their karma, their thoughts, and feelings at the time, and it had nothing to do with you. This is a harder pill to swallow than it seems, especially for someone with a rational bent of mind and a hardline understanding of right & wrong. However, once we realize the relativity and stop dealing with those absolutes, forgiveness becomes easier. The closer you are to a person or a situation, the harder forgiveness is. The hardest part about forgiveness, ironically, is that you do it because it sets you free. It empties the cup.

 

It is a destination to aspire to, and the sooner we get there, the lighter we feel.

 

There's a timeless Sanskrit phrase that is fitting  -  क्षमा वीरस्य भूषणम् - Forgiveness is adorned only by those who are brave (courageous).

 

It takes a brave man to get through these stages, but when you get to forgiveness and come out on the other side - there's a whole new life that awaits. One that isn't weighed down by the lingering feelings of hatred, nor by the apathy borne out of indifference, but out of the purity of simple, egoless thought.

 

In the words of Rumi, it is a field out there beyond the realm of right and wrong. I hope to see you there.